Kamas and I have always had a love hate relationship. She didn’t come to me easily because she didn’t trust me. Honestly I didn’t blame her! All she had expected from me was I handle and deliver her well. But I let her down badly once. I couldn’t do justice to her. The way she’d wanted.
It was a momentous occasion. The prospective groom had come to see me and I was to render Kamas to showcase my skill. But obviously I was nervous. I had already spilt the tray of coffee on the to-be father-in-law, and my mother stopped short of pinching my elbow and gave me shocked glances of disapproval. They were all banking on my extensive association with Kamas to see me through to the job of a wife. But the tension got to me. I hung Kamas on a line like a wet cloth to dry and she rattled in the wind through my vocal chords. I humiliated her, although at that moment I thought she was my humiliation. I’d given her my all till that moment and she hadn’t come to me the way she ought to have! I shut this tiny voice in my head that asked had I really given her my all. I let her go.
But thankfully it wasn’t held against me and I managed to sail into the wife’s job. And Kamas was forgotten. What I hadn’t reckoned on was what an innate part of me she is. So much so, that when our paths crossed and I unconsciously heard her, I wanted to reach out to her. I tried to woo her back, albeit with a sense of self-doubt and reluctance. I did not want to admit I was the one who was wrong. But I knew I could now never deny the love I felt for her as I heard her again! She is after all a heart-wrenchingly exquisite ragam. Just hearing her is supposed to fill you with shringara (love), humour and happiness. She sensed that she was being called, but she also sensed the half-heartedness, so she ignored me and moved on! Why wouldn’t she? She’d rather be with people who bought out the best in her and gave her her true place of honour in the raaga kingdom.
My realisation dawned one fine day as I heard her, expressed through others and the sheer joy and peace she filled me with! It felt like spring flowing down a mountain. I felt a pang! I wanted her back! I expressed my ardent love for her. She didn’t mock me, but just said, if you want me, you have to open your heart. I won’t come into your arms easily, but if I sense your earnest intention I just might.
Hope sprang again in my heart! Here was my chance! I took a moment to reflect on myself. I joined my hands together and prayed, and I told myself, I can open my heart. Last time was just an immature aberration. I admit I was distracted; I did not give you the respect you rightfully deserved. But this time I know you. I know the reverence you command, I won’t let you down.
I tuned my tambura to perfection and started the expression of the love I felt inside my heart. The unfettered joy, the sheer beauty and like a painting, I added colours I felt inside to make it as vibrant as possible, to bring out its true essence. And it showed in the way Kamas surrounded me applauding me. I had finally given her her true glorious place in my heart! She finally embraced me!
It was an enlightening moment for me! Everything is inside you; it has to start with you. You have to make an effort. Others don’t have an obligation to make your dreams come true or complete you. If you need something real bad, you will find a way. You have to choose to go after it, with a sense of aspiration you feel.
I chose to go after Kamas, she sensed my earnestness and came to me. And what a glorious reunion it has been!